It was the first week of December that I found out I was pregnant. I was really excited, but the plan was to wait until Christmas to tell our parents–I really wanted to be able to share the news with them in person… We were going to do it on Christmas eve and give them a little stocking that said “baby’s first Christmas”. We even had found a cute framed poem that said ‘the best gifts don’t come under a tree, in August we’ll welcome baby number three’. It was so perfect.
A week before Christmas we were hosting a party and I just didn’t feel good. I was exhausted and tired, and at the end of the night I went to lay down and I noticed I was bleeding. I called Jacob into the bedroom and he comforted me and told me everything would be ok.
The next morning we called the doctor, and that… was interesting. This is the practice that had delivered one of my other little boys and they’re usually awesome. But this time I called the nurses line and left a message telling them what was going on, but nobody called me back.
So a few hours later I called again. I was able to reach someone that time and I explained what was happening and that I was bleeding and they said it sounded fairly normal. The next day I was still bleeding so I called again and left another message. But no one returned that call either.
I called again the next day, and the whole time I’m trying to convince myself that everything’s ok, but in my head all I could think was something is wrong.
It just blew my mind that no one called me back. Finally a nurse answered and when I explained my symptoms her answer was ‘oh yeah, it definitely sounds like you’re having a miscarriage.’
I couldn’t believe she was telling me this over the phone.
I went in for a blood test that day, and then we had to wait. We hadn’t told anyone yet so I was just home with my boys and I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I had known that miscarriages can happen, but I just never thought it would happen to me.
A few days later we received the results of the blood test that confirmed the miscarriage. It was awful, but I feel like I had been more prepared for the news than Jacob was, and after I left the doctor’s office, I went to story time with our little boys just like we do every Monday.
When I got home though, Jacob was there. He had left work early after I had let him know how the appointment had gone, and he had bought flowers and a bracelet for me. That was the moment it hit me. When he hugged me. After that, I feel like that whole day I just cried. I remember just being in the kitchen and bawling. It wasn’t fair. It sucked. That was my baby and it got taken away. It was supposed to be part of our family but it was stolen.
I still had to go in to the doctor’s office every week to make sure that my levels had gone back to normal. It was awful to have to have blood work done every week and be reminded ‘oh hey, you had a miscarriage.’
We eventually told our family what had happened, and some of our friends too. We weren’t advertising it but we weren’t hiding it either… we wanted the people we were close with to know.
It was a total surprise, but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant again.
At that time, Jacob wanted to get a tattoo with roses for each of our family members and a rosebud off of my rose for the baby we had lost. He decided to get a rose for our new baby too–we had seen the heart beat and we were 8 weeks along, and we though ‘ok, everything is going to be ok.’ I knew that the tattoo would be a giveaway for the people we hadn’t told we were pregnant though, and so we decided to share the news when I was just about 9 weeks along. We had the boys hold up a sonogram picture letting everyone on social media know we were expecting again.
That was on Saturday. And Sunday I was bleeding.
My instinct was ‘oh my gosh this can’t be happening again. We just went through this’ but my instant fear was that I was having another miscarriage.
The next morning I called the doctor and they had me come in immediately for an ultrasound. It was only 8 a.m. so I had to bring my little boys with me. I didn’t have anyone to watch them.
The doctor looked at the ultrasound and told me, ‘there’s no heartbeat’.
They estimated that the baby had died the week before, and I just didn’t know. It was such a shock because all I could think was ‘this doesn’t happen. This doesn’t happen two times in a row. The odds of having another miscarriage are so low. And to go from having no miscarriages to having two in two months…’
I was able to hold myself together because I didn’t want my boys to see me burst out crying in the middle of the doctor’s office. So after we left we were supposed to stop and pick up a few groceries but as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store I just lost it. I called Jacob to tell him… we were blindsided. I had thought we were safe… there’s no way this could happen twice in a row. We just saw this baby a week ago, it had a heartbeat, and it was ok And now it’s not.
This was a week before my 30th birthday.
When I went in for my D&C, I had to do a lot of paperwork so that they could do the procedure, but they also gave me a form for the funeral director. I was so confused but they told me that they took all of the babies and bury them in the cemetery.
I had never thought past the procedure… what happened next, what do they do, where did the baby go… it made me feel so validated and so honored. That they were honoring our baby’s life and not just looking at it like a procedure.
I didn’t realize how much I needed that, but it was so healing. It really gave me closure.
God has given me such an amazing family… and those babies are a part of that family, they’re just not here. The word hope has been so important to me… it’s the one thing that comes back over and over. I really do believe that I’ll get to meet them some day and it’s given us a lot of peace and something to hold onto.
This narrative has been compiled from conversational excerpts and edited for length and clarity with Kim’s permission. She and her husband Jacob welcomed baby number 3 less than a year after sharing their story. “I was completely terrified after experiences two loses only 6 months prior and my heart didn’t feel ready to go through it again. But, fast forward a year later and we have a healthy, whole, beautiful 6 month old (born on March 19th 2017) baby boy!”